Divinely Crafty

I wrote this poem today as I waited for my daughter to get out of school.  Anyone who uses a wheelchair (or other mobility device such as a scooter) to get around will understand it.  If you don’t use a wheelchair, remember that in the chair sits a human being.

View From The Chair

You walk by me
As if I am not there.
My legs may not be strong
But my mind is.

These wheels do not shield
Me from the world.
They do not make me blind.
I see you as you pass me by.

My body reminds you
Of your own mortality.
Yours reminds me
Of my own.

You find temporary escape from truth
As you pretend I don’t exist.
Yet when you close your eyes
Mine are open wide.

Tags: disability, disablism, invisibility, poetry, wheelchair

It’s been a rough couple weeks around here in the fibromyalgia department.  It never fails.  Just when I think that I have at last found something that is really helping me and I start having visions of a semi-normal life… ding dong – big ol’ flare calling.  Man. Way to slam a girl down to earth you big kill joy of an illness.  hrumph.

When I cam back from France I was riding a wave of high energy.  The weather was so much better – so much dryer. Even though it rained part of the time, the atmosphere was less damp.  What an incredible difference it makes to how I feel.  I even took a few short walks!  Walks people!  I don’t take walks except a stumble from room to room in my house these days.  But in France I walked – for more than a few feet at at time!  That alone had me feeling like I could take on the world.  So when I came back I knew that it would be hard, I knew that I would have a post-holiday come down.  But I felt so good that I made a point to keep riding the wave of optimism and energy that I caught down there.  And for the first week or so I was able to keep it up.  I worked in the back garden, I worked in our allotment doing things I wouldn’t have believed I did if I didn’t know I did.  We had a party at our house over the May Bank Holiday weekend and I trotted around the place with only my walking stick and the occasional wobble.  Everyone said how good I looked, how great it was to see me up and about.  I agreed – I felt great! I celebrated what felt like a new beginning to something fantastic and exciting.

And then I crashed.  Hard.

In the weeks since I crashed it has been a struggle once more between my will and my body.  My will is intense and strong, and it is not at all pleased that my body is once again calling the shots, and the directive is: stay put and do nothing.  Not pleased at all.  So I pushed with all my might and in my best little engine voice cheered myself on as I struggled to get out of bed and do something – anything- to prove that I was not losing this battle.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  I got back out to the allotment and dug in the dirt.  I sowed seeds and planted starts in their new beds.  Inspiration and visions came to me while I worked.  It was incredible and I felt that finally I knew how to live with this illness, that I had found that something I was looking for that would push me —-through—- the pain and into life.

But then I crashed. Even harder.

I didn’t get up this time.  I tried.  I got as far as the kitchen where I realized that making my breakfast -at 11:30 – was all that I could handle.  Even that was overwhelming. I ate and needed to go back to bed for a rest. By 1:00 I was flat out fast asleep.  Woke up at 5:00 (yes, that is a 4 hour nap) only to eat and crawl back in bed where I fooled myself into feeling like I did something by putzing around the internet. And so it has been for the past week.  Me sleeping late, doing nothing, and sleeping some more.  My body aches and screams when I push it each time I climb the stairs.  My own personal Everest those stairs are.  But no one is cheering when I get to the top.  Just me, letting out an exhale of relief that it’s only flat ground until I reach my bed.

This is a downer of a post.  I know, and I apologize.  It’s posts like these which I avoided writing for so many months while I have been neglecting this blog.  I promise I won’t write too many of them.  I do believe that I have found that special thing that is needed to keep me going forward and living with this illness, living with this body and not fighting against it.  Part of that is being honest though. Honest about my joy, about my struggles and honest about my victories as well as my failures.  They are all important. They are all me.  They are all divine and they all keep me crafty – looking for a new way to do things, creating a life worth talking about.  Even if I am just talking to myself.

Tags: coping, creative living, fibromyalgia, flare, life, struggles

This is going to have to be quick. As I sat down to write this just now it occurred to me that I really need to get busting a move on the final prep for the trip. I need to make at least 2 more things. Further evidence of my full blown case of pre-holiday making madness. There are patterns to be printed out, yarn and other materials to be gathered for my trip, with glaring omissions that will need to be purchased in the obligatory crafty shopping. I love the stories behind the things I buy while on holiday. It makes the things I make out of them that much more personal. I will try to post while I am on the road and share some of my scores. But if you don’t hear from me for a few days – trust that all is well and we are gearing up for a great journey. My youngest brother is getting married to a woman who I am going to be honored to call my Sister In Law. I do have to say that my brothers have done really well with selecting fabulous sisters for me. If I was denied female relations as a child by being the only girl, I get the good end of the deal this way. Thanks guys!

With that lets get to the business at hand – The giving of awards!

This is my first actual passing on of an award. I did get one before, but it was during a time that my posting was less frequent. Which is a round about way of saying I blew it off. Bad blogger that I am. However, in an effort to be better at showing my appreciation to both those who read my blog and to those who’s blogs I read for being a part of my day – I am going to participate in this one.

I mentioned yesterday that Barb at Craft Therapy was one of my latest discoveries. We found each other through EntreCard and I quickly added her to my daily blog reader. Last week she gave me the “The “Arte y Pico” award, which I was very flattered to receive. Thank you, Barb!

“The “Arte y Pico” award was created and to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their creative energy and their talents, whether it be writing, artwork in all media’s. When you receive this award it is considered a “special honor”. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to at least 5 others.”

Here are my five Divine Picks for the Arte y Pico award:

The first goes to the blogger who gave me my first award that I flaked on giving a proper shout out to. Jo at Mom Of Heathens is more than just another name in the blogosphere to me. We have been online together for several years at a couple communities and this past February, she opened her home to me on my healing journey to New Mexico. Jo is like no other out there. I won’t even try to describe her – go see for yourself. You will fall in love like I did.

The “other” Katie, The Wool Food Mama, is next on my list. Another crafty mama that I have been online with for several years. (Yes, I have a slight addiction to the internet. This is not news.) I am honored to share both a name and an obsession with wool with Katie. Her stuff is cuter than I could dream of making myself. She just posted some new insanely cute offerings on her blog. I am coveting the nesting dolls. Katie is a deep thinking, down to earth, and very talented mama. And she has chickens, which just make her even cooler in my book.

Keeping with my theme of great women I have been privileged to share the web with, I would like to give the nod to Danielle, at Princess Nimble-Thimble. Danielle is a fellow crafty mama with Fibromyalgia. She has really been kicking the fibro’s behind this past year too. She gives me hope that there is a way out of this somehow. She has been a crafty idol of mine for many years, and I am sure you will see why. Take some time to look at her work.

Cinders is also one of my choices today. I found Cinders through Ravelry in a fibromyalgia knitters group. It’s a great group of knitters who share a common bond and support in the illness we have all been so lucky to draw out of the hat. She has recently entered the wonderful world of selling her lovely hand painted yarns in an etsy shop. She out shines me in the productive with fibro department – I am in awe of how active she remains and as a newbie over here in the UK, Cinders is great for me to find out if I’m on track with all things fibro related over here.

Val at Hobbies of a Domestic Goddess is my final pick today. Val and I go back to when I lived in her corner of the US. We also met through an online community. The same one that I met Jo,Katie,and Danielle through in fact. There have been many good relationships to come out of that particular community. Val is a creative and committed lover of all things about gardening, homeschooling, and making of yummy healthy food. You will want a cup of tea and some time when you go see Val. She has loads of interesting stuff and beautiful pictures on her blog.

I want to say thanks, again, to Barb at Craft Therapy for giving me this award and the chance to share a little bit of love with a few of my favorite people on the web.

Now, I am outta here. I have got so much to do and the time is rapidly going by. I will try to get in at least one more post before we go, but if I don’t then look for me to post at some point during my travels. See you then!

I’m doing it. I am finally doing it.

For years, regardless of which of my passions I was immersed in, a common bit of feedback has been given to me. They like reading what I write. I’ve been told my work is well thought out, wonderfully expressed, level headed (This one makes me chuckle. If you know me well you know why.), and that I have a ‘unique voice’. Total strangers and greatly respected teachers all have expressed favorable review of the words I placed together. Each time this compliment was received I secretly glowed inside, holding my breath, not daring to breathe a whisper of how deeply I desired to be a writer. Just typing that out now – as I am on my first draft of this post – was with hesitation and a sense of vulnerable exposure. I am making my formal declaration to all who stumble upon this blog. I want to be. I am a writer. Not just as a hobby, but as a professional pursuit. I have been published in an International Magazine in an exchange for a subscription, which is worth a fair amount. But I want more. I have my sights set on cash in my account. I want to have to declare on my taxes this year that my occupation is writer!

Which brings me to the title of this post. My one word for 2008. In my scouring the web in search of guidance on how on earth to begin taking real steps towards my goals, I found The Writer Mama who has a wealth of exactly the type of information and encouragement I was seeking. I immediately added her to my reader subscriptions and look forward to more goodness from her and some guest writer mama authors. Last week she posted about her one word for 2008 and asked of her readers, “What is your word for 2008?” After much thought and debate I finally settled on the word that first came to mind, the word that has been spoken with ever beat of my heart for as long as my soul remembers…. WRITE. This is the year I write. I will write for my life, write for my soul, and write for others to read.

Tags: one word, writing