Divinely Crafty

I love my work. Just love it. It is hard to get going on days when I feel really crappy, but I manage. And I am always happy that I did. I have never once come back from a class or a birth thinking that the time and energy spent would have been better served by me lying in bed at home. I come back from my work having gotten back in touch with what I am learning so deep in my soul. The place of peace and strength I so often lose sight of.

I am so grateful to have my work.

So much for the better weather. Last weeks sunshine was a teaser. Yes, I know I need to be patient. Everything in its time, right? Ugh. I want it NOW!!! ::stomps feet and sticks out lower lip::

My yoga class starts this morning. It is pouring out. This type of weather kills me in the fibro pain department and all I want to do is curl up in bed and wimper. I have been looking foward to this class for weeks and today I just simply don’t feel like going. I will go, and I am sure I will be happy that I did. But dang, its going to take everything I have to get my arse out the door. blah blah blah.

UPDATE: Well I went. It was a nice class. I was the youngest person there by 20+ years. (and I am nearly 40…) which is fine by me. I asked for a gentle easy class because of my fibromyalgia. And gentle it was. Easy it was not. We barely did any standing poses, only 2 simple sun salutations, and mostly lying down poses. I AM IN EXCRUTIATING PAIN. Seriously. I can hardly walk. I started crying in class because it was so hard. (Just a couple discreet tears, the waterworks didn’t flow until after class) I used to have a really strong yoga practice a few years ago. Even just a year ago I was able to do a fairly vigorous Ashtanga practice. But now I can barely keep up with the senior set. I was shaking trying to hold simple poses and forget balance with this farkin’ dizziness. I can’t point my toes or my legs go into spasm.

I am trying not to be discouraged. I know that it will take a bit of getting used to and that it will get easier…I hope. Fibromyalgia is weird stuff when it comes to exercise. But it is hard. Really hard. I came home and threw myself into my study and homework in an attempt to keep my mind off the pain. That worked for a bit, but now that the kids are home from school and they need to do be up and active I am having a very hard time. I hate this. I really really hate this. I am not sure how to cope with this.

There has been a bit of Umph in my life recently. I have had a few episodes of really bad vertigo lasting for days at a time. My current bout with dizziness started nearly 4 weeks ago and is not gone yet. My fibromyalgia has also been rough. Really rough. My brain has this long list of things I want/need/should do, but the body I am living in is challenging me….thats where the Umph comes in.

I resigned from my job at the bookstore. Yep. I did. Even though I was very clear that it was the right choice, I still had a hard time telling them. That whole “can’t say no” “want people to like me” thing. Oh, and my tendancy to think that I should be able to simple switch my attitude and just get over myself. That one’s a real bitch.

I redid Golden Flower Birth. There are a few things I need to fix, and a page or two still in the dreaded ‘coming soon’ stage. Its onward and upward with my birth work. Lying in bed for a couple weeks with nothing to do but think,meditate,read, and listen has turned out to be ‘enlightening’ if I could borrow a phrase. However minute the shift has been, there has been movement on my path. I realized that my body was going to ask me for a really good reason to get up and get busy – use it or lose it. As much as I liked working at the bookstore (and I really truly did. really.) there was nothing left for me at the end of the day. Nothing for my family. The last week before I got dizzy I went to bed directly after work each night. I hurt. I was exhausted. I wanted to cry. And as I lie there, my family was fighting and the house was going to hell. (Not much improvement there sadly. I am a dismal housekeeper.) We are fine financially with me not working full time. Hard work has paid off for us recently and it feels good. So I quit. And from this day forward I am living my dream. Leaving the fear behind. (as much as I can…) If not now, when?

Joining a yoga class, getting a referral to a rheumatolgist (cautiously looking at alopathic treatments), getting my creative work going again. I am hoping to have a stall at the Emerson May Fair. (Which is, oddly enough not until the end of the month – probably a weather thing.) Making my wrist wings and selling the dozens of dresses I made to sell on the road last summer but never did. Maybe some knit and felt goodies too. It all depends on what I get done.

So thats it. Putting a little Umph. Doing a little refit.

It seems like I only ever have time to post that I am too busy to post. I am too busy. Way too fucking busy.

So guess what – the universe stepped in and gave me this thing. This bizarre thing. Called labyrinthitis. http://www.labyrinthitis.org.uk/index.htm I am on my second episode (the first one never clearing up 100%) in 6 weeks. It is bizarre bizarre bizarre.

And it comes at such a strange time. My article was just published, my classes are taking off and I am starting to take on doula clients. I have also been working full time at the bookstore, which I love, but it is not my life’s work. kwim? I haven’t been able to work for a week now since I got the latest dizzy episode. I am still insanely dizzy today. It is the weirdest shit I am telling you.

So the doctor says “take it easy”. And I say, “ummm, yeah, I will get right on that…” Take it easy? Not one of my strong suits lets just say. If I can do one thing, I figure I can do something else too, right? At times I really do believe that our ability is limited only by our dream.

And then this dizzy shit comes along and knocks my superwoman routine on its ass.

I am quitting the bookstore. I need to have all my energy and health for me and my family. For my life. The bookstore is fun. I enjoy it, but at the end of the day I am exhausted. It is time for me to face it that I am not the young thang I once was. Far from old, but not twentysomething. This will be my last year as thritysomething. Rest, relaxation, and renewal are important all during ones life. Something I am only beginning to understand. Without guilt. My full energy can go to being mom, doula, childbirth mentor, artist. We are at a place where I am able to go forward with my part of the big adventure. Facing huge unknown, putting my full intention into living as I am compelled to. Trusting like I have never trusted before. Hoping that the world stops spinning (literally) and I am coping with how it spinning right now. Nothing like living a metaphor.

Reading some mind blowing books right now… Blue Truth by David Deida (a.m.a.z.i.n.g. book), The Tao of Mentoring by some guys whose name I will butcher if I try to spell by memory, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss, My Voice Will Go With You by Milton Erickson and Sydney Rosen. Close To The Bone by Jean Shinoda Bolen. Reading, reading, reading.

Been knitting a bit and got some sewing done yesterday. Knitting is actually, of all crazy things, therapeutic for my labyrinthitis. I think it puts me in a trance.

I made this scarf…
It is 4ply wool sock yarn lace and a chunky hand spun, hand dyed contrast. It knit up so fast – less than 2 hours.

Here I am on the train home from London earlier this week wearing the hat I made to go with the scarf. I am all rock starred out in my shades at night because they keep the visual stimulation (and the swirl) at a minimum. That and I am just cool.

And this one is a joke. Dylan and her friend from Not Back To School Camp in Oregon is visiting so we went to do the touristy bits in London. We had a riot pointing out all the varieties of “emo” people we saw. We started giving them names…JapanEmo, HanibalEmo, ElderEmo, and

MomEmo!

Joke people. Joke.